JOKES
Friendship sms jokes:
☻FRIENDSHIP TEST........... thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe...
☻FRIENDS.......True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.
☻F.U.C.K ............REMEMBER: if u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz F.U.C.K stands for FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever, & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
☻FRIENDSHIP IS.........FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!
☻PRICELESS GIFT ...........FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!
☻SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED............If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!
☻ COMPARE .................FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN...
☻FRIENDS 4 LIFE................Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!
☻COMPUTER............A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!
☻FRIENDS ALWAYS...........In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!
☻ANGEL FRIENDS............I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.
☻OUT OF MY CONTROL...........Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.
☻ MEMORY LASTS FOREVER...............A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.
☻ FRIENDSHIP.................The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.
☻ NEVER SPLIT...........I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again.
☻NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS...........I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.
☻ WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U..........EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U...
☻ BEHIND YOU.............DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp, ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U, DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd, I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall...
☻ NAKED...........GUY: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. GAL: If I see you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
☻ MAKING LOVE............After making love, wat r u tryin to say? I love u? Wrong! 1 more time? Wrong. U r so pretty?Wrong. I'm so tired? Wrong! The answer is tissue...tissue...plsss!!!
☻KISS............A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum. what is a kiss without a tongue.
☻PAINTING.............A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.
☻FALLING APART.............Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.
☻HOME EARLY...............1 day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
☻ NEVER LOSE ME!...............We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend!
☻BEST FREN.............A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
☻SHOOTING STARS................The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!!
☻ KEEPING A FRIEND.................KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping U..
☻ PROMISE..............We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE!
☻FLOWER..............If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!!
☻ A RING.............A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend.
☻WONDERFUL FRIEND...............There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!
☻WAT U SEE..............Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!
☻ FATE 2B FRIENDS................A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us.
☻ WHAT YOU SAY................Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say...
☻ FRIENDSHIP MEANS.............I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha
☻ ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU...............Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you...
☻ LEAVING FOOTPRINTS.............Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
☻AS LONG AS...............As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.
☻ MY BRA...................a gd friend is like a gd bra... hard to find, very comfortable, supportive, and always close to the heart..... HELLO MY GD BRA :)
☻ PRICETAGS...............GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!
☻OLD FRIENDS.............Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us... i get BETTER, u get OLDER.
☻ PATH OF FRIENDSHIP..................The sun is glazing, upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! :)
☻ NIGHT PRAYER.................Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.
☻ABOUT ME.................Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, Spontaneous, Good Looking, Nice Friends, Charming, Funny, well... Enough about ME! How about you?
☻ GOOD TASTE................A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection. A picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING me as ur FRIEND is a form of.. ehem GOOD TASTE!
☻ BE MY FRIEND................If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us, you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.
☻ RULES TO BE HAPPY................6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred; Free your mind from worries; Live simply; Expect less; Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND
☻ FRIENDS.................Time might lead me to nowhere; Fate might break me apart; I'll always be thankful that once, along my life's journey I found a friend like U...
☻KISS MY ASS................The fluffy clouds may kiss the sky, The rose may kiss the butterfly, The morning dew may kiss the grass,But u my friend can kiss my ass!
☻RING...................I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land....
☻ FRIENDS LIKE HAIR...................Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.
☻NICE FRIENDS..............A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams...
Sex sms jokes:
☻SEX ...........SEX is My Fav. I Do it regularly. Do it & Feel Gd! U'll enjoy it! I'll Die w/out SEX, S-Sleep, E-Eat, X-xercise, So do it everiday, gd for u.
☻SEX ON TEXT ...........Press down... down more... Ok more... YES ahh ohh yes... almost there... yeah oh shit harder... SO GOOD...! mmmmm... That's how I sex on text!
☻YOU ARE WANTED ................The Police are looking for a suspect who is smart, sexy, witty & very good looking... So where are you gonna hide Me?
☻TALKING DIRTY ................When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
☻LOVE AND SEX .................Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game!
☻SEX IS ... ...........Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a man puts his location in a woman's destination. Do u get my explanation, or do u need a demonstration?!
☻GIVE ME ALL YOUR $$$............MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U
☻NIGHT PRAYER .............Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.
☻WHAT I NEED ...............I need a hug, I need touch, I need tender, I need a kiss, I need love, I need sex, I need you!
☻WRONG NUMBER ..............U've got SEX APPEAL ... U've got INTELLIGENCE ... U've got CLASS ... U got da FACE, U got da BODY ... I got the wrong number ... SORRY
☻NO SEX ! ...................There is Hot-sex, Fast-sex, Group-sex, Safe-sex, Leather-sex, Telephone-sex, and for people with your face ...NO SEX !
☻PHONE ENGAGE ...............hey! what happen 2 your hp? tried calling alot of times. everytime i dial your no, operator kept sayin 'THE SUBSCRIBER U CALLING IS HAVING SEX, PLS TRY LATER'
☻KENTUCKEY .............A woman is like a kentuckey friedchicken, it has legs ,breasts and a greasy box to stick your bone in.
☻TWINKLE LITTLE STAR ..............Twinkle, twinkle little rectum bigcockscum when you least expect them, never mind the screams of passion whoop it up with doggy fashion.
☻OLD MAN..................There was an old man from gosham,
who got out his bollocks to wash'em,
His wife said oh jack if you don't put'em back,
i'll stand on the bastards and squash em!!!(new)
☻ARSE ICONS................... (_!_) Regular arse
(__!__) Fat arse
(!) Tight arse
(_*_) Sore arse
(_o_) Well used arse
(_e=mc2_) Smart arse
(_x_) Kiss my arse
☻FAMILY..............your father had your mother,
your mother had your brother,
it's just 2 bad your fathers mad and
your mothers now your lover
☻GUY PERIOD..............If guys had they periods
They wouldcompare the size of their tampons!
☻DEMONSTRATION................Sex is when a guyscommunication enters a girls information to
increase the population for a younger generation do you get the
nformation...or do you need a demonstration
☻SEX IS EVIL.................Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So stick it in.
☻VIRGIN
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.
☻GUYS
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
☻cOOL GIRL
Im acool girl,
in acool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down v
☻HOT SEX
There is Hot-sex,
Fast-sex, Group-sex,
Safe-sex, Leather-sex,
Telephone-sex,
and for people with your face ...
NO SEX !
☻WOMENS NEEDS........There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in hercloset, tiger in her bed! And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!..
☻SICK LEAVE..............A guycall into work and says: Boss Ican´tcome to work to day, I´m sick.
Boss asks: How sick are you?
The guy says: I´m fucking my sister how sick is that?
☻BRAND SEX...............Sex is like nokia -connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invated
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!
☻VALANTINE..........Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born beautiful, but what the hell happend to you?
☻F**KING MAFIA ................Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia...
One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!
☻THE BUSH
When an apple is green it's ready to pluck
When a girl is sixteen she's ready to fuck!
☻The Alpahbet
a-ur attractive
b-ur beautiful
c-urcaring
d-ur delicous
e-ur exciting
f-ur funny
g-ur gorgeous
h-ur heavenly
I-IM
J-JUST
K-KIDDING
L-LOSER!
☻Luv is a sensation.............Luv is a sensation dat iscaused by temptation,a boy puts his location in a girls destination,do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?
☻Good Sex
Sex is good,
sex is fine,
doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid,
everyone likes getting laid!
☻Equation ...................Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract urclothes, divide your legs and wecan multiply!
☻Sex Guide
Bak 2 bak,
front 2 front,
on d table,lick dcunt,
stick it in,
do ur ting,
do it hard & make her sing,
tense ur body feel dcum,
den let it rip into her bum!
☻Luv me tender ...................Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!
☻Life as a penis
5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!
☻Pregnant
Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!
☻Flying Fuck
Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!
☻Beat Me
Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!
☻£50 note tattood on yourcock
3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants
☻Bastard Rubber
D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!
☻Nice Arse
I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!
☻Cat & Rooster
cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!
☻Love poem
Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!
☻Bonna
There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?
☻Cocktail
Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!
☻Triplets or Twins
I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!
☻How to satisfy a woman
HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job
☻Life is like a dick
Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it!
☻Rainbow
Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!
☻Love & War
LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll blow the shit out of you!
☻Little Girl
When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!
☻Virginity is like a balloon
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's gone forever!
☻Question Time
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchin?
A)a mouth full ofcock!
☻The Truth
QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!
☻Pringles
Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop, youcan't stop!!
☻Marriage
A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had achoice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a poorcleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wiv big tits!
☻Getting Old
U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo
Funny sms jokes:
☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
☻I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An f****ing know it all.
☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
☻ My Reality Check bounced.
☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1
☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra
☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors
☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An fucking know it all.
☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
Love sms jokes:
☻YOUR SMILE
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
☻ WHO YOU ARE
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
☻ I'M STILL ALIVE...
TaLk 2 me wHen i'm boReD, kiSS me wHen i'm saD, hug me wHen i cRy, caRe 4 me wHen i diE, loVe me When i'm sTill Alive...
☻ I'M STILL ALIVE...
TaLk 2 me wHen i'm boReD, kiSS me wHen i'm saD, hug me wHen i cRy, caRe 4 me wHen i diE, loVe me When i'm sTill Alive...
☻ IN LOVE WITH YOU
It is not being in love that makes me happy... but is being in love with YOU that makes me happy.
☻ TRULY LOVE
It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don't ever let go.
☻ CHER|SH...
Cherish the person you love, never tell lies or attempt to hurt them because you won't know how important they are until they are out of your life...
☻POEM OR RHYME?
Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time...
☻ 2NITE WITH ME
A sMiLe tO pUt You On HiGh... A KisS To Set YoUr SouL ALriGhT... WouLd iT bE aLriGhT iF I spEnT ToNiTe BeiNg LovED bY YoU???
☻LOVE YOU
Never WasTe an OppOrtuniTy 2 sAy 'I LoVe U' to Someone u ReaLLy Like, Coz it is noT EvEryDaY u'll mEEt tHe PerSoN WhO hAs tHe MaGic 2 lEt u fAll iN love...
☻ TRUE LOVE
True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.
☻ FRIENDS 4 LIFE
Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!
☻: FIRST SIGHT
FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe's SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and' WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~
☻ VALUE OF LOVE
LovE is Not HoW LonG U've BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U've GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U've HeLpEd EaCh OthEr --- Its HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr...
☻: STILL LOVING U
i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î'M ñOt hUrt. î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î'll ßê okåY. î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry. í Stìll lovE YOU ßût í'Vé tó SaY gooDbYê...
☻ NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DO
Don't regret what you've did, but regret what you never did, go and say 'I LOVE U' to your loved one!
☻ LOVE IS SO CONFUSING
Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?
☻ REALITY
Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.
☻WHY IS HE NOT MINE...
wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE... sTiLL nOt mInE...
☻ NOT TOO YOUNG
No one is too young for love, because love doesn't come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which knows no age.
☻ I FOUND U
Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... Coz I found love when I found U.
☻ IT HURTS
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.
☻ FORGET YOU
It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
☻ IT NEVER SEEMS TO LAST
I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love... it never seems to last.
☻ FALL IN LOVE
People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again
☻ LOVE IS TO THINK
Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.
☻IN LOVE WITH YOU
There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.
☻: SOMEONE ELSE
The hardest thing you'll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.
☻ OUT OF MY CONTROL
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.
☻ HEART TO CIRCLE
Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.
☻: WHO
I'd rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I'm not
☻ TRY TO FORGET
Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.
☻ ADVICE ON LIVING
Dance like no one's watching; sing like no one's listening; love like you can't get hurt, and live like there's no tomorrow.
☻ QUICKSAND
LoVe iS LiKe QuiCkSanD - ThE DeEpEr yOu FaLL iN iT ThE HaRdeR iT iS tO GeT OuT.
☻ IN MY ARMS
You showed me how it is to be loved. Now I know what really love is. 1 day we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
☻ WHAT IS TRUE
There's a warmth in my heart. It haunts me when U R gone. Mend me 2 ur side and never let go. The more I live The more I know, wat's simple is true, I love you.
☻ FLAME OF YOURS
I feel something in my heart, it's like a little flame, every time I see you, this flame lights up, this flame is special for you, because I LOVE YOU!
☻ If love were to be taxed,
I would be the highest tax payer.
☻you can't buy Love... but you can pay heavily.
☻Common sense is common, but... the use of common sense is uncommon !!!!
☻Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver.
☻You need Money to call someone Honey.
☻My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so i got two Girlfriends.
☻We can see more Grafitti's in girls toilet , WHY ?
Because their both hands are free.
☻Definitions :
Home : A place where you can scratch where it itches.
Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills,
and kills by his bills.
LOVE : Loss Of Valuable Energy
WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever
Crude sms jokes:
☻Kiss's r blown + kiss's r wasted kiss's rnt kiss's unless they r tasted, kiss's spread germz + germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!
☻How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!
☻last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I thought where the fuck is my roof??
☻mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got foot and mouth
☻What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop
☻This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you
☻what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don't know they never met!
☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H
☻This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
i l
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!
☻Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth and now they're black andcrispy.
☻Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up your get us all shot.
☻Your teeth are so yellow, ican't believe it's not butter!!!
☻Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.
☻Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.
☻Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!
☻mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would fuck!
☻whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?....they r all stuck upcunts!
☻sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs...
and MULTIPLY!
☻how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later !!!
☻At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this SMS
☻farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag
☻*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15's
☻ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie
☻!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending ... ... ... Replacements
Funny sayings:
☻Lights on, door open, nobody at home
☻As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
☻He's as bent as a butchers hook
☻He's as happy as a Pig in $hit
☻About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box
☻About as subtle as a flying brick
☻She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum
☻She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs
☻As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm
☻She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.
☻About as interesting as watching paint dry
☻Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard
☻I've seen better hands on a clock
☻As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market
☻He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day
☻She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits
☻As nervous as a turkey at Christmas
☻She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo
☻She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel
☻She's as fit as a butchers dog
☻She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag
☻As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
☻His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender
☻Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.
☻As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks
☻As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner
☻This guy is all foam, no beer.
☻As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
☻About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.
☻A legend in his own mind...
☻He's an expert on padded cells.
☻He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!
Adult sms jokes:
☻Girl: Im like a radio,my mouth spkr,my left breast tuner, right 1 volume. Man:Can I try?(touches d breats)-no sound. Girl:U havent plugged in yet!
☻Nipple Nipple dont be far, can I press u in my car. Up above the chest so high, always milky never dry. Let me suck you, dont feel shy.
☻Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged
☻The sky is blue,grass is green,harder the fuck the louder the scream,louder the scream the better the fuck,give me a ring u might be in luck
☻Q:Who is stronger, Man Or Woman? Ans: A woman bcos she lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2 stones with the help of a crane.
☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to your wife after sex? His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.
☻Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do. MOM:Put ur biggest thing on her hairiest thing. SON:got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
☻rooster&cat goin over bridge,cat slips&falls in river.rooster cant stop laughin.wats D moral?whereva
therZ a wet pussy therZ a happy cock
☻LUV D WAY IT RUBS AGAINST D SOFT PINK FLESH N MAKES A CREAMY FOAMY LIQUID AS IT THRUSTS IN&OUT,UP&DOWN,CAN`T WAIT 4 NEXT TIME.LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH
Marriage sms jokes:
☻Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).
☻Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.
☻A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
☻A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
☻There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
☻Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
☻Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
☻Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!
☻Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole
☻The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes...
☻The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words
...Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)
☻Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
☻A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."
☻There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!
☻I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...
☻Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.
☻One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
☻What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
☻Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
☻After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
☻I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
☻I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward
☻Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
☻The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
☻A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
☻A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne
☻Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. - Unknown
☻Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
☻Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. - Marion Smith
☻There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
☻The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde
☻An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
☻Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams
☻A husband's last words should always be 'OK buy it'.
☻They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood
☻There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - Clint Eastwood
☻The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake - Unknown.
☻A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman
☻Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx
☻After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
☻A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
☻The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henry Youngman
☻Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
☻The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him - Cher
☻I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. - Max Kauffmann
☻I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
☻I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker
☻When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
☻Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin
☻Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
☻By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
☻A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted - Helen Rowland
☻Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck
☻All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage. - Lord Byron
☻Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman
☻Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
☻My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
☻I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
☻I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. - Jean Harlow
☻Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman
☻To the bride and groom - may we all be invited to your golden wedding celebrations...
☻To the NewlyWeds: May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse.
☻To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage
...Here's to good sense of humor and a short memory!
☻Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"
☻You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.
☻May the best of your past be the worst of your future
☻Married life has many Ups and Downs...May most of yours be between the sheets!
☻May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness and fulfilment
☻To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!
☻Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
☻May you grow old on one pillow.
☻Dear [bride's name],
☻Isn't it quite funny how History repeats itself?
[Bride's Age] years ago your Mother and Father were putting you to bed with a dummy...and now it's happening all over again
☻I've known many,
Liked not a few,
Loved only one,
I toast to you
☻Here's to the bride - may she share everything with her husband...and that includes the housework.
☻To the Bride and Groom - may the roof above you never fall in and may you both never fall out
☻To the Bride and Groom - live life to the fullest and remember, this is the first day of the rest of your life...
☻To my wife...my bride...my joy
☻May your joys be as deep as the Ocean, and your troubles as light as its foam.
☻May we never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
☻A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Here's to you, my beautiful bride.
☻May our children be blessed with rich parents
☻Here's to my bride: she knows everything about me, yet loves me just the same.
MESSAGE
Miss you
☻My eyes R hurting coz I can't C U, My arms R empty coz I can't hold U, My lips R cold coz I can't kiss U but, My heart is breaking coz I'm not with U!
☻i heard someone whisper ur name, but when i turned around to c who it was, i notice i was alone, then i realize it was my heart telling me that i miss u.
☻4getn u is hard 2 do, 4gtn me is up2 u, 4gt me not, 4gt me neva, but don’t 4get, we’re gr8 2gether
☻among ur frens i care 4 u da most, among ur frens i lov u da most, among ur frens u hurt me d most coz....i know dats all im 2 u... among ur frens
☻Luv will fly if held too lightly.Love will die if held too tightly.How should I hold u.How do I know if I'm still keeping you or I'm letting go...
☻Luv can be bad,it can treat u lik dirt.Theres always a risk of u getting hurt.Luv is restless & luv is a flirt.Luv has places to go and people to hurt.
☻It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone & a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone
☻i hide my tears when i say your name but the pain in my heart is stil the same.though i smile and seem carefree theres no1 who misses u more than me!!
☻Wot u see as truth wot u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies.although we may change & drift apart,ill always value u deep within my heart!
☻I miss u wen ur far away.I think about u every nite & day.Even if we cant b 2gether.I will miss u now & forever!
☻i luved u once u luved me not.i luved u twice but i 4got.u neva luv me u neva will but even so i luv u still.
☻Weve gone our own way our lives grew apart & weve made a life wiv another.but despite of how far apart we grew 2 me there still is no other!
☻Remember me and bare in mind A faithful girl is hard to find This is always good and true So dont go changing old for new!
☻i no u think dat u broke my heart but i knew ur game rite from da start. i saw ur game and played it 2 so look here playa da jokes on u!
☻So btween da miles & btween da years ts inevitable but its true.dat seasons may change & people may change but my heart always belonged 2 u!
☻Wen life changes & we go our separate wayz.u will still be in my heart til my dyin dayz.i tell no lie dis is true.da world has nva seen a freind like u.
☻I'd climd the highest mountain.I'd swim the ocean blue I'd do anything at all my dear- Just to get away from you.
☻As we go on we rememba all d times we had 2gether.&as our life changes cum whateva we will still be "friends forever"
☻Ur the one i love.the one I need.but bad mistakes Ive done indeed.in search for forgivness and happyness too.I want to say that I love u
Kiss message
☻A peach is a peach.a plum is a plum.a kiss aint a kiss unless its wiv tongues.so open ur mouth & close ur eyes & give ur tongue some exercise
☻Kissing you baby is my dream.Im the strawberry & ur the cream.Handle me gently keep me real keen.U & i together babes is passion so extreme!
☻wot kisses mean!KISS ON HAND=i adore u KISS ON CHEEK=lets b friends KISS ON NECK=i want u KISS ON LIPS=i luv u KISS ANYWHERE ELSE=...lets not get carried away!
☻Kisses blown r kisses wasted.kisses rnt kisses unless they r tasted.kisses spread germs and germs r hated.but u can kiss me baby im vaccinated
Sex message
☻Sex is a sensation. It's about a man's temptation, putting his location in a woman's destination. Do you understand the explanation or do you need a demonstration?
☻Hi, I am an alien and I've just transformed into your phone and right now I'm having sex with your finger. I know you like it, because you're smiling now!!
☻Mean people suck, Nice people swallow! !
☻A peach is a peach, A plum is a plum, A kiss ain't a kiss, without some tounge. So open up your mouth, and close your eyes, and give your tounge Some exercise!
☻CONFICIUS SAY: BOY WHO GO TO SLEEP WITH STIFF PROBLEM WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.
☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game!
☻Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor. All the kings horses & all the kings men, laid the slut down & fucked her again!
☻Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid everyone loves getting laid.u'll get laid.
☻Kiss me and you will see stars; Love me and I will give them to you.
☻A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play magic? She asks: What do you mean? He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you disappear!
☻Love is a thing, sex is also a thing.
☻BEEB! Send this message to 5 of your friends and you will have unbelieveble sex tonight! If you break this chain, you'll never have multiple orgasm again!
☻Roses are red, Pickles are green. I love your legs and whats in between.
☻I like your style. I like your class, but most of all i like your ass.
☻Sex is like NOKIA (connecting people) like NIKE (just do it) like PEPSI (ask for more) like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited) and like ME (TO GOOD TO BE TRUE)..
☻I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.
☻How does a vagina look before sex? Like a lovely pink rose! And after sex? Ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonaise?
☻If you want a little brother,
kill your dad and fuck your mother.
☻Sex is like pizza. When its good, its VERY GOOD. When its bad, its Still pretty good
☻Sorry, the fuckmachine is out of order, so fuck yourself and save a quarter.
☻Fuck is good. Fuck is funny. Lots of people. Fuck for money. If you think that. Fuck is funny. Fuck yourself and save your money!
☻Sex is like Math, Add the Bed, Subtract the Clothes, Divide the Legs and Multiply!
☻I want you to ride me like a pony! Hiyaaaaaa…
☻Don't be silly, put a condom on your willy.
☻Searching(sex)...... Done... Iedereen is op dit moment met SEX bezig. ...Wait a sec plz... Maar er is een zot zonder sex dit klotebericht aan het lezen!
☻Sex, drugs & rock n roll, speed weed & birth control, life's a bitch, then u die, so fuck the world & lets get high!
☻This program will automatically enlarge your penis. Now starting...beep 6 5 4 3.....beep 2 1....Sorry no penis found!
☻Do you want to have sex with me? For $50! Please please please....I really need the money!
☻Sex is good,sex is funny, all the people fuck for money! If you think love is funny, fuck yourself and safe the money!
☻Sex is like Nike, just do it.
☻Masturbation, don't knock it, it's sex with someone I love...
☻Neuk een wijf in dr kont, stamp die anus tot ze komt.S mijt je benen in de lucht, laat je pijpen in een vlucht. Krab de shit van je paal, anaal neuken is geniaal!
☻Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
☻If you don't like oral sex than keep your mouth shut!!
☻Press down......down more......ok......more......yes......ahh.......yes......almost there......yeah......oh shit......harder......so good! Yeah, that's textual intercourse!
☻Sex is the game, Love is a name, Forget the name ...... Lets PLAY the game.
☻I want you right, right now, why don't you come on over and let's do now!
☻I'm a bit shy...I'd like to have sex with you, you do not have to say yes, just smile to me!
☻ I think I have BSE on my penis ...... all women who experienced it go crazy !
☻ Eva stood in the river washing her cunt when God comes running to her and shouts: EVA EVA STOP, I WON'T GET THE SMELL OF THE FISH.
☻Do you know why a waterbed needs to be filled with seawater?...For the mussels need to be able to open.
☻ Screw calmly and without worries, if you do not come today, it may happen tomorrow !
☻ Women are like little children, they put everything they see in their mouth.
☻ The boy puts his information in her communication and together they make population!
☻ What is the resemblance between a windscreen wiper and a woman? ... When they are wet, they do not squeak any more!
☻The first day we met,I wanted you in my bed.Today I'll know better,so I'll write it in my letter.In my bed I've seen so many faces,so I'll fuck you at different places
☻Sex is good,sex is funny, all the people fuck for money!If you think love is funny, fuck yourself and safe the money!!!
☻ What is de maximum speed during sex? .... 68, because at 69 you go overturn!
☻ A good neighbour is better dan an inflatable doll !
☻ God created the world in SIX days But it took him centuries... to come up with someone...as "HOT" ... as "SEXY" ... as "Fuckable" ... *..As "YOU!" .. *
☻ Text messaging is like a blow-job off an amateur prostitute; short...sweet and always cheap!!!
☻ What is the smallest airplane in the world,a cunt... Only one man fits in it, he needs to stand, his luggage stays outside and he still gets off ...
☻ Are mice giving you trouble? No? Than you must have a good pussy!
☻ Are these your eyes? I found them between my brests!
☻ Sex is like Nike, just do it.
☻ Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.
☻ How does a vagina look before sex? Like a lovely pink rose! And after sex? Ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonaise??
☻ When I was born I got the choice, or a major dick, or a fine memory. I am not able to remember what I did choose.
☻ Masturbation, don't knock it, it's sex with someone I love...
☻ Do you know why smurfs always laugh? Because the grass always tickles their little balls!
☻ What is the difference between a man and a dildo?......... A man is a REAL PRICK!!!!
☻ Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
☻ The best anti-virus program for a computer is SAFE-SEX.
Leave the plastic cover on the floppy when inserting in drive.
☻ If you don't like oral sex than keep your mouth shut!!
☻ Sex is good for your stomach muscles and much more fun than fitness
☻ The difference between erotic and perverted:
Erotic = caress the vagina with a beautiful white whisp
Perverted = do the same thing with a whole chicken.
☻ A guy walks up to a girl and says: Wanna play *Magic*? She says: What's that? .....He says: We go to my place, have sex and than you dissappear.....
☻ What did Eva shout when she wanted to have SEX ?? ............. ADAM WHERE ARE YOU !!
☻ you do not have to be good to be the best as long as you are better than all the rest!!
☻ What does position 68 mean........You are doing me and I owe you one!!
☻ Love your neighbour, but don't get caught.
☻ A peach is a peach,a plum is a plum,A kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue.So open up your mouth and close you eyes and give your tongue some exercises!!
☻ Just to let you know that I went to heaven and back...
☻ What you never want to hear while having good sex?? ............. "Honey, I am home!"
☻ There is: Hot-Sex, Fast-Sex, Safe-Sex, Group-Sex, Leather-Sex, Telephone-Sex, Cyber-Sex, and for people with your face: "No-Sex"!
☻ Why does a woman have two pair of lips?................... One is for fighting and one is to make up.
☻ What is the resemblance between a woman and a condom?................ They both fit around your dick and are present in your wallet
☻ If you cry, I cry...if you laugh, I laugh...if you are happy, I am too...if you are sad, I am too...and if you are horny, call me.
☻American students say:.....people who never experience good sex and do not perform well in bed, usually read their SMS messages with their right hand
☻ sex is like nokia (connecting people) like nike (just do it) like pepsi (ask for more) and like samsung (everybody is invited)
☻ A woman is like a pair of rubber boots. When they are dry, you cannot enter them, when they are wet, they smell and when you walk on the street with them, people laugh at you.
☻ Zwaai uw tieten in het rond, schuur je clitoris op de grond, stop 4 vingers in je kut, ram die kittelaar tot frut, bevredig je met een gans, dit is de mastrubatiedans.
☻ Press down......down more......ok......more......yes......ahh......ohh......yes......almost there......yeah......oh shit......harder......so good!
mmmm ......................That's how we sex on text.
☻ Message from you provider: Your dildo is disturbing our network. Turn it off or continue manually. Thanks for your cooperation.
☻ The 3 miracles of a woman: produce milk without eating grass, 4 days of bleeding without dieing, letting a man come without yelling.
☻ Hi, I am an alien and I've just transformed in your phone and right now I'm having sex with your finger. I know you like it because you're smiling now!!
☻ I do not have the muscles of Stallone, I am not as handsome as Brad Pitt, I am not as strong as Schwarzenegger, but I can lick as good as Lassie!!!
☻ Do you know the highest level you can reach during sex? ................................. no?...................................... Bungler !
☻ By opening this message you activated the dildo of your girlfriend. She thanks you moaning...You have now become unnecessary.
☻ Pornography tells lies about women, but the truth about men.
☻ Roses are red ... Pickles are green ... I love your legs and whats in between
☻ Searching(sex)......Done...Everybody is having sex at this very moment....Wait a sec...There is only one sucker reading this message!
☻ | 
